9 months just seems so old to me. I don’t know why & I promise I read through previous posts and I KNOW. I sound like a broken record when it comes to this whole “my baby is growing up too fast & I can’t handle it” thing. I have really be thinking and trying to figure out why I have this constant inner struggle.
Yes, I know most mothers say it…but why is it that I literally feel an ache inside when I realize how big this little man is getting?? The inner struggle comes because there is and always will be this HUGE part of me that
loves adores…simply cannot get enough of the growth that I see in this little man. I have loved every first, and could not begin to explain the feeling that comes each time his little personality develops a little bit more.
Then comes the all to familiar pain of time passing.
Maybe it is because I am aware of this world he will grow up in & while I try very hard to not be melancholy and to see beauty in everything…I am aware. Especially on days like today where we remember such tragedy.
A reminder of how fragile life can be, how much things can change in an instant. While each new day is a reason to get on your knees and thank God for that healthy baby boy. Each new day is also a reminder that time is passing and you never know how much time you truly have.
There is the pressure that I feel…that many moms feel to LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
Enjoy every tantrum, dirty bottle, load of laundry, because it could all be gone and then you would give anything to have it back.
More than just the fact life is fragile and you never know what the future holds is the fact that this little pumpkin is going to grow up…
and be a 6 year old with stinky feet…for those of you that don’t know I have an obsession with my baby’s feet 🙂
and then a middle school boy that does want kisses from mommy anymore…
and then a hormone ragging high school boy…with a girlfriend (Ok…I’m hyperventilating!!)…
and then a man…with a career and a wife and maybe even kids of his own.
I know that no matter where he is or what he is doing he will always be my baby…my first little love.
As exciting as every first is I know we are one day closer to the moment where this little monkey isn’t right across the hall anymore. There will come a day when I have to let him go, and figure out who he is…apart from me.
Until then I will teach him everything I can and try my very best to prepare him for the challenges of life and hope he chooses to learn from some of my mistakes. But the idea of my little baby growing up and living in this CRAZY world (that is getting crazier by the second) is something that will always make me swallow hard.
When Truett was just over 2 weeks old the Sandy Hook shooting took place…and I lost it. I hurt so deeply for those parents that lost their babies. This was the first big tragedy that took place since I had entered “mommyhood” and it hit me…hard. The night after the shooting I was holding True and just began to sob…again. I just couldn’t shake what had happened to all of those children and I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time for what it truly was. I felt like David in the battle of David and Goliath (Goliath being this big, scary world), determined to protect this little breathing bundle of perfection.
Barry (my husband) did his best to calm me down and point out many “truths” that I know in my heart but didn’t want to apply in this situation.
All we can do show him…teach him about God’s love, and raise him to be a light in this world. He is God’s before he is ours. God has a plan to use him in this world to do great things…things we cannot even imagine.
So in addition to leading & teaching my son…I pray for him. Every.single.day.
My prayer for Truett James is that he has…
The faith of Moses.
Even with great obstacles and personal short comings that he will obey. Even when he is the only one standing up for the ones in need, and nothing makes sense and the odds are against him. I pray that he will stand at the edge of his Red Sea and have the faith to wait for God to part the waters.
The heart of David.
I pray that even as a boy he will stand to fight his Goliath while grown men cower behind him. Standing, fighting with the confidence that he can do all things with God by his side. I pray that he will be able to speak these words with honesty.
“You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you…”
and that when he does make mistakes…even BIG mistakes that he too will come back to the one that loves us so with a heart of repentance and passion to be close to God again.
The strength of Job.
A man that God can say…test him, try him, do whatever you possible can to him but he will never turn from me.
The compassion of Jesus.
I want my son to be “Christ-like” in every area but I pray specifically that he has the compassion of Jesus and sees past stereotypes, status, other peoples ignorance and that he is compassionate in every opportunity. I pray that he will go where it is inconvenient, to reach those that many would not even notice.
You see I cannot change the entire world that my little boy will grow up in and I cannot protect him from the darkness. But I can pray that God will prepare Truett now for the great things He has in store and begin softening his heart toward the these plans.
Because while I love my baby and would die for him…
he is God’s first…
and was given to me so that I could love him, raise him, teach him but most of all pray for him.
I will never stop thanking God for choosing me.