I have gone back and forth about this blog and decided a few days ago it would more than likely be one of those “I need to write…but won’t actually publish.”
But I just couldn’t leave it there…as a draft for no one else to see…because I have seen amazing things happen when I open myself up, decide to be vulnerable & TRUTHFUL about my life. People who love me then know what to specifically pray for, it helps me process my thoughts & maybe just maybe someone else can be encouraged through my story.
Have you ever had that gut feeling that something was wrong…something that you just couldn’t shake and you just knew something wasn’t right.
I tend to worry but those of you that have experience this feeling, know it is more than just being paranoid.
We were finally getting to see our sweet baby at our “Anatomy Ultrasound” and all I could think about was the excitement of knowing whether this little one was a boy or girl. I knew that this ultrasound was important and they do a lot more than just check for gender but that was still my focus.
Because we were having a “Gender Reveal” party the next day we didn’t want to find out the gender just yet. The ultrasound tech knew to tell us to look away while she was looking in that area and I gave here an envelope & card to write the gender in. I would post the picture she put in the card but let’s just say my children are loud and proud! It’s a little to up close and personal. 🙂
Back to the ultrasound…
I always love ultrasounds & seeing my sweet baby never ceases to amaze me! The baby was moving all over the place and covered his face with his hands (just like his brother). We saw him open and close his mouth and got to see his HUGE feet. 🙂
Barry and I were teary eye/excited to see our baby! It’s truly such a miracle and incredible what technology allows you to see.
There were many parts of the ultrasound where I had NO idea what I was looking at but when it came to the heart I just took a guess and said “That’s the heart right?”
The tech told me that I was right. Initially I was just taking in the wonder of being able to see my baby’s heart beat…but after what seemed like a very long time (probably a couple minutes in reality) she was still taking pictures and zooming in on the heart. I said “does everything look ok?” and she responded the way she was “suppose to” with a quick “I’m not allow to say anything other than that’s the heart.”
I knew. I knew there was something…I didn’t know what or how bad but something was wrong.
I talked about the experience with a few people & of course everyone came to the same consensus (being very encouraging & kind) that everything was fine. I tried to brush it off as nothing and focus on the party planning/our busy weekend ahead.
Monday morning my follow up appointment came and I had almost convinced myself that I was just worrying to worry. I just kept telling myself everything was totally fine.
The doctor came in…I noticed she had a paper that she faced down on the counter…
that feeling started to seemed to scream inside me…something was wrong.
She did the usual “How are you feeling” etc. etc. Just normal small talk.
Then I heard those words…
“We found something called an EIF or a “bright spot” in the baby’s heart while doing the ultrasound.”
She proceed to explain what that meant and handed me the sheet of paper that had been faced down.
Paragraphs of information about this term I had never heard. Honestly, everything started to blur together after that. I listened and try to make sense of what she was saying. She put a lot of emphasis on the possibility it was nothing serious and that going to see a specialist was just “precautionary.”
I am fully aware this news could have been so much worse…and I have read all the stats about how common this is…and I was told the probability that this would end up being something that would just go away.
But I also started hearing the words Down Syndrome and issues with chromosomes. This issue actually has very little to do with the heart but more to do with those two terms.
We had to wait a long….LONG…forever long week until our appointment with the “specialist.”
During that week I tried to stay as distracted as possible and of course prayed for our little one like crazy!
I had positive moments and moments were I was anything but positive.
One morning in particular I was struggling with this verse…you could even call it my “life verse.”
“but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”
I didn’t feel like God was holding up his end of the deal. I genuinely felt like I was putting all of my “hope in the Lord.” but I wasn’t experiencing anything listed after that.
I was praying and being very honest with God…all while feeding Truett some breakfast 🙂
& I started thinking about those promises…
“renew their strength”
and I realized…
The moments each night praying with my husband…
reading my bible and feeling the closeness of Jesus…
that is my strength being renewed.
“soar on wings like eagles.”
“run and not grow weary”
“walk and not be faint.”
Maybe sometimes we feel like God’s not holding true to his promises because we misinterpret them.
My appointment on Monday went well but confirmed something I already knew.
There is no guarantee that my baby will be 100% healthy & I do not put my trust in Doctors or formulas.
Because God created this baby and is already writing his story. He loves him even more than I could imagine and he has an incredible plan for his life.
There is so much I don’t understand about “markers” and “percentages” but I do know that things look very promising for this little guy & my God is bigger than anything Doctors can find.
I am so in love already! We loved getting to see our little man in 3D and I thought it was ironic that he looked like he was praying 🙂
So that’s where we are…still anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby boy and praying for him daily.
Thank you so much to those that have reached out to me in the last few weeks. All it took was one post about a heavy heart and I had countless messages of encouragement. My friends just loving me and caring for me without an agenda or prying for information. I truly have the greatest friends and family! Your kind words and prayers have meant more than you will ever know…
Please continue to pray for our boy and understand that we may not give anymore “updates” about this but are deciding to move forward focusing on the excitement of an addition to our family.
This baby has given to us for a very specific purpose and we are continuously in awe of the amazing fact that God chose us.