Ok so it’s time to be “TRUE-thful” (yes, I know I misspelled it) about my week/”mommyhood.”
I have been wanting for some time to write a blog about “Mommyhood,” my up close and personal experience thus far…if for no other reason than so that one day I can look back and remember what it was like to be a “newbie.”
If I am truthful about becoming a mommy…it has been a TOUGH adjustment.
I automatically feel the need to insert a paragraph about how I have always wanted to be a mommy and I love my child more than life etc. BUT I’m not going to…
because its ok to say things are tough.
So it’s been tough & in a nutshell here is why it has been tough:
Reason #1 Because I am a total control freak…
& despite my constant what seems to be “lack of planning”…I do love a good plan! I love knowing what’s coming & what to expect. But most importantly, I love feeling like I have some kind of control or say in the result. Mommyhood is unlike anything I have ever experienced. In school, if I worked hard and applied myself I got good grades & scholarships. When training for a race if I followed a work out schedule and ate healthy I would see my body do more than I thought imagineable. Over and over again I have experienced “hard work paying off.” 1 + 1= 2 and if I am driven enough, dedicated and determined…it will happen. End of story.
Then there is mommyhood.
I should have known when my son didn’t enter the world until I was 41 wks pregnant, while I was determined to have him by 39 wks so his bday would never fall on Thanksgiving (which happens to be his first birthday…yes you can laugh at my life 🙂 ). I should have known things would not go as I planned. I remember feeling SO frusterated. I just wanted my baby to be in my arms and to not be pregnant and swollen and PREGNANT anymore. Add on top of that…
people that tried to be “helpful” (I believe their hearts were absolutely in the right place). But every single day I heard from numerous people “Just do this…” “Try this…” “If you would just…” and then there was the occasional reminder that “He will come when he is ready,” which of course I knew but in the moment I DID NOT want to hear. BTW, I TRIED EVERYTHING other than things I thought my hurt my child. Raspberry tea, spicy food, eating a ton of pineapple (yes, I’m not kidding), going for long walks, other forms of exercise ;), walking up and down the stairs at 3am when I thought I might be having contractions….I was desperate!
I didn’t understand why my actions weren’t creating the reaction (HAVING A STINKIN’ BABY) that I wanted. Of course, this is life and I am not saying I always get my way BUT it just felt like something was working against me. I know that God has a plan for our lives and He is always in control. I believe that with all my heart and I am truly NOTHING without him! That doesn’t mean its not hard when you hear “well…this does happen…sometimes.”
Reason #2 Because I enjoy feeling like I “bring something to the table”…
I loved being able to feel like I was “giving back” and “making a difference” when I volunteered in a title 1 school or took the “problem kid” under my wing and saw him blossom. In a classroom, I could see my hardwork paying off…not everyday or even most days…but I eventually there would be that “light bulb” moment or something would occur and I would think “I am making a difference.”
& lets just be real when someone says “What do you do?” and you say “I am going to school to be a teacher.” You are never met with “oh…so what are you going to do…like…for a career???” but when you say “I am a stay at home mom.” Yeah. Insert question that makes me fell like crap on the bottom of your shoe…here.
So being a “mom” doesn’t sound good on paper, and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have really felt like “by being a mom, I am making a difference.”
AND let’s be real…it’s nice to buy your man a birthday gift…without using “his” money. No matter how much he assures you “its our money.” It still stinks.
Again, I will refrain from writing paragraphs about how I know that I making a difference and being a mom is one of the most important jobs ever. I know. But this is the way I feel.
Reason #3 Because I want so desperately to be a GREAT mom…
I know everyone does. But you see I have dreamed of being a “mommy” since I was little. Probably because I had three younger siblings that were like my life size baby dolls but nevertheless I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. That’s why I picked the “career” I picked. I mean being a teacher sounded like the perfect job because then while I was waiting to have kids and once my kids were grown I could love and invest in other peoples babies. While I always wanted to be a mommy, in some ways I set an impossible standard for myself and I definitely forgot some very important truths.
You know this is the case when asked (at your childs 9 month doctors appointment) all of the “Does he…” questions and to most you answer “Yes. Yes. Oh yeah!” and then there is that one question…
“Does he wave & play peek-a-boo.” (I guess that’s really two, but it was asked as one.)
& my heart stops. I have FAILED.
“No. I mean I don’t think he has…um….well I mean I of course play peek-a-boo with him all the time….and um. waving? Well I mean I show him how to wave…but he hasn’t really…ever….um…
The nurse immediately assures me thats totally fine and he looks great and says a bunch of other positive stuff but it doesn’t matter. That was on the little “9 month sheet” and I had to say “No.”
It’s only a feeling a mother can understand…or maybe it’s just mothers with my same personality. 🙂
When you feel like your baby isn’t doing something they should be doing, you take it personally. Because let’s be honest…he is a baby. He only knows what I teach him and learns what we practice. So some how, some way…this is my fault.
Yes, I am not kidding when I say all of these feelings came from a freaking question about waving and peek-a-boo. But I said I would tell the truth…about MY experience in mommyhood & yes I know all of you veteran moms are laughing at me. It’s ok.
The point of all of this is…being a Mom is TOUGH and it is definitely a transition.
One thing I have learned, this week actually, is that you will drive yourself crazy if you carry the weight of “mommyhood” on your shoulders all alone. As I blog I read today stated:
“…you know who you are. Accepted. Redeemed. Treasured. One who has been born again to a Living Hope and an imperishable inheritance. What do you say, Mom? How would you like to be imperfect-completely-loved-free-in-Jesus mom? How would you like to be don’t-need-to-play-the-games mom? Capable-of-genuinely-loving-others mom? Guess what? That is exactly what Jesus died to offer you. “
Because not only do I have my reasons mommyhood is hard but had to that the “mom war” and well mom’s know exactly what I am talking about.
Here is the rest of the blog I quoted…it is incredible!
It opened my eyes to the way I have been functioning. So stressed out and worried and tired and trying to get my footing in this new chapter of my life…add to that crazy hormones thanks to baby #2 and I was just like that “dry forest.” Not because I don’t have incredible people in my life that encourage & love me but because I didn’t believe those things about myself.
Encouragement truly does go A LONG way. Here is another awesome quote from Lindsay at Hello Hue
for sending the link to this blog. I have read it multiple times!)
“But I think we all just could use more encouragement and less “You should try this” or “My kid does this”. More high-fives, “Hang-in-there”s and “You-got-this, mama”s. Mommyhood is tough and feeling helpless when faced with a certain situation makes it even harder. A little encouragement and support from another woman, and I don’t feel so alone.
Heck, not just mamas, but women in general could use more shared encouragement and support, am I right? Enough with the comparing, judging and side-eyeing. Let’s have more hugs, cheering each other on, and sappy stuff like that.”
I am grateful to say I have wonderful encouragers in my life and have made the choice to not allow negative, hurtful people in my inner circle…but that only goes so far.
I have to believe their words.
I have to focus on the truth that is I am “Accepted. Redeemed. Treasured.”
So I have decided…
I am going to spend more time with Jesus, resting in his presence and believe I am His
& LESS time obsessing over how to teach my child how to play peek-a-boo.
(I really don’t need any suggestions on how to do so either 🙂 but thanks!)
For all you mommas out there that might read this. You are not alone. It’s ok!
to feel like a loser when you look at all the pinterest projects you havent even attempted
to realize at 9pm you havent eaten dinner and your house is a HOTT MESS
to try for 15 minutes to get one smiling picture of you child because they are 9 months old and you need a “bear” picture…only to end up with a “full memory” notification and a screaming child (yeah…it happened…tonight.)
BUT those things do not define you. Dont stay there.
Know that there is another mommy out there that thinks you are doing a great job & your baby(s) is so very blessed to have YOU!